A New Blog Idea DOT COM

By my math, it's been something like 18 months since superimportant was last updated. We can blame it all on the economy. The Executive staff had been anxiously waiting for a healthcare bill to pass, and in this naieve expectation, we blew a LOT of our budget on what now appears to be a wholly inadequate alternative for our employees. Essentially, all the funds we extracted from the writing staff's paychecks subsidized a very large group of metalhead drug dealers in Williamsburg who regularly dropped off a dizzying array of analgesics at our offices. Medically, this was probably not quite appropriate, but it kept the writers placated. Very, very placated. And then shit all went downhill. Let's just say "complications" arose with the delivery of the health care. Our providers were put out of business, and almost our entire writing staff got wrapped up in it too. Surprisingly, the executive staff escaped completely unscathed. Many of our former staffers have been able to keep in touch, and their letters are startlingly antagonistic, laced with grandly insulting invective implying their lives in prison are actually *better* than writing for superimportant. Balderdash, we say.

So naturally, superimportant had to take a break to reorganize the office, settle into the witness protection program, convince ourselves of our new identities, and shred all of the documents we saved on our undocumented workers. These things take time. And in that time, ideas have been brewing. Sooooo many ideas. This is where you faithful readers can come in to steal them! See, we're coming up with stuff for you all to run with. There's some legal copy buried in code, written backwards, somewhere on this website that obligates you to a (rather hefty) royalty fork-over to us when your blog gets published into a book, and if you can find it & decipher it, you'll find that it's air-fucking tight. Let this not dissuade you from sharing your creative impulses at our behest! Superimportant hardly has the staff to expand all of it's endeavors, but since it's Christmas, this is our gift to you: our ideas!

Let's start!
First idea: lasttimeihadapieceoffruit.com

Because honestly, I can't remember the last time I had a piece of fruit. There are dried up peaches in my Honey Bunches of Oats (with peaches!) but those, and the raisins I put on top in the morning, don't count. We're talking like, A WHOLE BANANA here. Or an APPLE. I eat fruit about as often as I go to the dentist, and I refuse to believe there's any sort of connection to those two facts and my several cavities. So this blog's going to be all about the other crappy shit I eat INSTEAD of stuff that's good for me. Let's take last night for example. "Oh, I was feeling like indulging my massive sweet tooth on this dismal Sunday evening of watching all three of my Netflix rentals twice, so I ventured outside my apartment for the first time of the day at 5:00pm to buy a sleeve of Oreos from the bodega across the street. That not being substantial enough for a proper meal, I supplemented the delightful treat with a dollop of (all-natural) peanut butter for each cookie while complimenting it with a robust IPA from Troeg's brewery." Something like that. Run with it! Many, many more brilliant ideas are coming in the months ahead. Our cadre of painkillers was surprisingly never confiscated, and was also hidden in the same subcellar/escape tunnel as our "new ideas" binders. We've got a stash! Superimportant rises again!