Ugh. We apologize, readers. Seriously. You missed out on some awesome shit. If we weren't so drunk most of the time, we'd recall all of it right now. But there was definitely something about zombies. And there was something about how goddamn freaky it is when you wake up and your entire right arm is numb. Yeah. You wake up, and go to roll over, but there's this fleshy, bony lump under you, and you think it's a dead animal for some reason - like a rat, maybe - because you just woke up, you know, and you're definitely irrational at that point, and it's dark, so you see this dark appendage that doesn't move when you shriek like a little girl and try to push yourself away, BUT YOU CAN'T PUSH YOURSELF AWAY because your arm is completely COMPLETELY numb, so you sorta just fall back over. Then you try to lift yourself back up again, and it's like "wtf my arm is dead. That's weird". It's totally weird. Trust me.
You missed the indepth report on illegal backyard latent homo wrestling with strange cowboys with branding irons. Fortunately, some of the photos survived the fire or flood or whatever the fuck it was that happened here at the superimportant headquarters:
One of the saddest losses of the past near-half-year is undoubtedly the postmortem tribute to "Pff", the superhero who's only power was the ability to see people's farts. After years of inadequacy, nobody, least of all this news outlet, had the foresight to see that not only was the invisible man such a bad guy, but that he was lactose intolerant as well. We owe our lives to the heroic bravery of "Pff". May he rest in peace.
