Poor evening habits

Perhaps it's necessary to engage in lengthy baking activities late in the evening before work the next day. Maybe there are bake-off's or other holiday company festivities to attend. We understand. Happens all the time here. Back when our sub-minimum wage employees were still gainfully "employed" and palliated by our mounds and mounds of illicit healthcare, their incessant munchies led to frequent unofficial, muncie-initiated cake parties. As "boss", I've often made monkey cake. You might think that after that last time, I've learned my lesson. And I have! This time, it turned out a bit more like the photo on the bottom. Success!

This isn't about the usual unbridled success experienced every day, all the time by us here at superimportant though. This is another cautionary tale for you. Since we know you're now probably too smart to bake drunk, on the verge of passing out, this is more of a suggestion on a restful sleep.

Restful sleep is important to enjoy the next day's bake-off and be alert enough to bribe the judges to vote for your entry. One way to avoid restful sleep is to indulge in bits and pieces of your baking during the process. That leads to nightmares. Even if it doesn't, you'd be an idiot to watch a really brutal horror movie while your entry is in the oven. Let's say you've got three choices of ways to pass the time via Netflix A) Oscar Winning Sean Penn movie "Milk" B) Rob Zombie's remake of the classic John Carpenter film "Halloween" C) Something called "Dear Zachary.

I don't care what you do, don't choose B) "Halloween". No. Seriously. Don't do it. What the fuck. It's engineered to scare the fuck out of you and give you nightmares if you watch it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. But that shit's going to embed itself into your brain if you watch it all sugared up at 1am. No, seriously. You will not sleep well. Trust me. You're going to have fucking nightmares and wake up in cold sweats. It's really going to be quite terrible. Don't fucking do it. Milk or Dear Zachary might make you freakin' cry like a baby, but at least they won't make you involuntarily pee your pants in the middle of the night.

So there you go. Merry Christmas again. Don't say we never get anything for you.

"A Morning Album": The Superimportant Christmas Shopping guide, item #1

The holidays are upon us, and if you're like me, you've been well aware of this since before Halloween, but haven't done anything about it other than use your knot of Christmas lights as a Halloween costume. Apparently Christmas is a mere ten days away and not only have you not gotten anything for your Dad, but you don't even know what you COULD get for the old man and haven't known for the better part of the aught's. As always, superimportant is here to help, with our innate & delicate sensibilities, and cunning knack for nailing JUST the right gifts for this giving season. So sit right here on Santa's lap and don't bother telling us what it is you want... WE ALREADY KNOW.

A Morning Playlist

The first wisps of brisk dawn air through the floor length curtains at the far end of your apartment make you wonder "why did I leave the windows open? It's fucking freezing out! I'm going back to bed." But once they waft the first impressions of a brand new day across your fitful slumber and peaceful dreams, I can imagine nothing more comforting than the accompaniment of a soothing soundtrack much like the one superimportant finds unavoidable each morning. Your ears will feel like they're waking up in bed with our arm awkwardly draped across your chest while you listen to the same things that start our days off so wonderfully.

Tracklist

1) Jackhammer
2) Downstairs Neighbor's music
3) Car alarm
4) Minimalist Gunshot Stacatto No 12
5) Octagenarian Landlord's Emphysema cough/yell/explosion
6) NPR's Jonathan Schwartz
7) Upstairs Neighbor's music
8) Dog

Delicately crafted to welcome you to every day with the authentic wonder of city living, this is one gift that's sure to please even the most stalwart of Scrooges.

All I wanted was a box of cheez-its, and I ended up with all this damn PRODUCE.

Which brings me to my next point. Amidst the leeks, peppers, mushrooms, potatoes, onions and spinach deliciously dropped into my basket under delusions of omelettes, fritattas or maybe chunky homemade spaghetti sauce, were a pair of apples and a bunch of bananas. The bananas were just about ripe enough - maybe ready even as early as tomorrow morning - to slice up on top of Honey Bunches of Oats, and the Gala apples were delicious. That's right, juicy and delicious. The last time I had a piece of fruit was ... like just now.

This bodes ill for the future of www.lasttimeihadapieceoffruit.com, but the entire point of the brilliant blog idea was for one of YOU guys to pick it up & run with it, and since that clearly hasn't happened, I suppose it's necessary to take the ball back into my own court. This won't stop my dogged enterprise of idea propogation though. I promise you, my faithful readers, that superimportant will henceforth return to the fount of inspiration, motivation and elucidation it was always intended to be.



For those of you dismayed over the clear failure of lasttimeIhadapieceofFruit.com, I just want to let you know that all I had for dinner was that apple and half a box of cheez-its. That should be a comforting thought for just about anything.

A New Blog Idea DOT COM

By my math, it's been something like 18 months since superimportant was last updated. We can blame it all on the economy. The Executive staff had been anxiously waiting for a healthcare bill to pass, and in this naieve expectation, we blew a LOT of our budget on what now appears to be a wholly inadequate alternative for our employees. Essentially, all the funds we extracted from the writing staff's paychecks subsidized a very large group of metalhead drug dealers in Williamsburg who regularly dropped off a dizzying array of analgesics at our offices. Medically, this was probably not quite appropriate, but it kept the writers placated. Very, very placated. And then shit all went downhill. Let's just say "complications" arose with the delivery of the health care. Our providers were put out of business, and almost our entire writing staff got wrapped up in it too. Surprisingly, the executive staff escaped completely unscathed. Many of our former staffers have been able to keep in touch, and their letters are startlingly antagonistic, laced with grandly insulting invective implying their lives in prison are actually *better* than writing for superimportant. Balderdash, we say.

So naturally, superimportant had to take a break to reorganize the office, settle into the witness protection program, convince ourselves of our new identities, and shred all of the documents we saved on our undocumented workers. These things take time. And in that time, ideas have been brewing. Sooooo many ideas. This is where you faithful readers can come in to steal them! See, we're coming up with stuff for you all to run with. There's some legal copy buried in code, written backwards, somewhere on this website that obligates you to a (rather hefty) royalty fork-over to us when your blog gets published into a book, and if you can find it & decipher it, you'll find that it's air-fucking tight. Let this not dissuade you from sharing your creative impulses at our behest! Superimportant hardly has the staff to expand all of it's endeavors, but since it's Christmas, this is our gift to you: our ideas!

Let's start!
First idea: lasttimeihadapieceoffruit.com

Because honestly, I can't remember the last time I had a piece of fruit. There are dried up peaches in my Honey Bunches of Oats (with peaches!) but those, and the raisins I put on top in the morning, don't count. We're talking like, A WHOLE BANANA here. Or an APPLE. I eat fruit about as often as I go to the dentist, and I refuse to believe there's any sort of connection to those two facts and my several cavities. So this blog's going to be all about the other crappy shit I eat INSTEAD of stuff that's good for me. Let's take last night for example. "Oh, I was feeling like indulging my massive sweet tooth on this dismal Sunday evening of watching all three of my Netflix rentals twice, so I ventured outside my apartment for the first time of the day at 5:00pm to buy a sleeve of Oreos from the bodega across the street. That not being substantial enough for a proper meal, I supplemented the delightful treat with a dollop of (all-natural) peanut butter for each cookie while complimenting it with a robust IPA from Troeg's brewery." Something like that. Run with it! Many, many more brilliant ideas are coming in the months ahead. Our cadre of painkillers was surprisingly never confiscated, and was also hidden in the same subcellar/escape tunnel as our "new ideas" binders. We've got a stash! Superimportant rises again!