Bike racing is turning me into an incredible loser. I've got to leave every party I'm at by midnight so I can wake up in time to race at 6 fucking thirty the next morning. Either it's turning me into a loser, or it's merely harboring the inner loser I always was by giving me valid excuses to leave parties early - before I get wasted, say stupid things with excruciatingly slurred speech, make horrendous attempts at picking up women, and ultimately fall over a couple times, pretending that that's just perfectly ok even though I stopped the rapidly approaching floor with my face.
One thing is for certain. My taint hurts. My gooch. My perineum, technically. It's a common problem among cyclists, you know? Seeing as you're sitting there, bouncing up & down on a leather saddle smashing up into your crotch for a few hours. That's why they have those saddles with the slits in the middle. It's to help prevent saddlesore. I think. Or allow you to have babies, which no biker can do, apparently.
OK, OK, I'm gonna take a wild tangent here and point out that while trying to find good medical dictionary links for "perineum", the Google links on medical-dictionary.com were hilarious. Check it out:
1) "EBay.com - Save Money and Buy Perineum On Ebay"
2) "Perineum: 100% Free Adult Dating Site"
and
3) "Find the Best Sites For Perineum With Joltsearch"
I'm not making this up.
Wow. 100% Free Adult Dating? That's definitely what I'm thinking about when my gooch is burning. And Ebay's got them for sale? Holy crap! I think I might've solved all my problems right there. I'm gonna tell the team! If they're cheap enough, maybe we can just buy a ton of spares and swap 'em out after races! This is groundbreaking, really. It's gonna make saddlesore a thing of the past. Yay!
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5 comments:
here's the solution: adult diapers. that extra padding will treat your taint with respect, the kind of respect it's probably been lacking from your strict commando policy. As i see it, the only concern would be wind resistance. But maybe you can compensate by wearing _just_ the diapers. think about. adult diapers, they'll really put the BM in BikeMessenger.
fuck: i'm laughing out loud in the library.
I think diapers would leave a lot of chafing.
i hear bikers who wear spandex have more fun.
Specialized Body Geometry saddle (of the proper width) + bib shorts = crazy delici...err...ass/taint on a cloud
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