I don't know, but I'm obligated to explain it. It was a text message that I didn't answer sufficiently because the grocery store was about to close and I had to buy mayonaisse for my tuna sandwich that I was gonna make for dinner. When I got home, I had all sorts of plans to find some dope recipe on epicurious and cook something special for myself. Something like Olive Stuffed Chicken, which is great for carnivores. All you vegetarians out there are suckers. Olive Stuffed Chicken with Almonds is fantastic. I highly recommend it. Does this make me a traitor to my company for recommending a recipe from a competitor? Uh, I don't particularly care. I'd rather be a bike messenger than work at martha stewart.Everyone knows that. But if this does make me a traitor, then let me recommend another recipe: Paella for 45 Go for it.
So, Why is Rhode Island a state, but not Long Island? I've never wondered this. But someone has. And they texted it to me. And it got me thinking. Actually, it didn't really get me thinking. But I make these idle promises in jest, then actually follow through on them. Like "yeah, by tomorrow, I'll have a full explanation of why Rhode but not Long is a state."
My first assumption is that it has something to do with the fact that the 5 boroughs, back in the day when Martin Scorcese was recruiting Jack from the Titanic to be some kind of douche in some kind of overlong, overproduced movie about lame period gangs.....the five boroughs were 5 different cities. That's why I don't put New York New York on my return addresses anymore. I put BROOKLYN MOTHERFUCKER, New York on my return addresses. (I'm serious about that, actually. Well, no, I'm not serious about that, but i generally do capitalize BROOKLYN. And just for the fuck of it, I might start adding MOTHERFUCKER to it. Especially on things like resumes. That'll make 'em think, "shit, we should hire this guy or else he'll probably have us killed. ". And I could by the way). Anyway, this is all true. Wikipedia's Brooklyn entry says something about it. This clearly proves that Long Island was, uh.........uh... uh, shit. My theory didn't go much further than the whole 5 borough thing.OK, I'll start over.
According to my quick and extremely unscientific google searching, Long Island has a population of about 1.5 million people, and Rhode Island has a population of about 1.1million people. Maybe even less. Long Island - 1; Rhode Island - 0.
Rhode Island is 1545 Square Miles. Long Island is 1377 Square Miles, but the first google link compares it to the size of an iceberg, so it gets a point for that. Long Island - 2; Rhode Island 1.
In researching the zombie population of both islands...Hey wait the fuck up....Rhode Island isn't even a fucking island! What. The. Fuck. Have I been wasting my time here? This isn't funny. I'm serious. Rhode Island, you fucking lose. That's why you get statehood. Only losers become states. Long Island has more zombies anyway. Have you ever been to the fucking Hamptons? Just look at those people! They're all zombie Lizzie Grubmans, driving their SUV's backwards over other zombies lurching out of the clubs, drinking brains & champaigne.
So there you go. Rhode Island gets to be a state because it's retarted to name yourself "Island" when you're not an island at all. And there aren't enough zombies there. In related news, zombies are the new black. I can't believe the New York Times didnt' quote this blog.
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7 comments:
Hey, back off the zombies. They're good for the environment.
long island unite?! he posts about not a problem but a deficiency on our part. c'mon, brothers. let's stand up!
i'm super-impressed by the amount of links you managed to fit into this entry. also that you managed to turn a rant about rhode island into something about zombies in the hamptons.
all around, a job well done.
<3, molly
anonymous posters are ball lickers. Seriously, REVEAL YOURSELVES!
I'm forming a third party to this debate, and maintaining that Long Island, should, in fact, be part of connecticut. In fact, why in sweet ceasar's name is "the sound" Long Island's? it's basically just a giant bay, robbing ct's rich ocean front property of any sea-cred-- and sea cred is all ct has! How do you think it feels when Aquaman points and laughs at it? How would you feel about a guy with scalely tights and body odor reminiscent of squid smegma laughing at you?
What does LI give back to ct for this? Submerged drain pipes and herpes. LI's day is coming though. As soon as that volcano in the Canaries blows it's top, causing a mega tsunami to wipe out the eastern american coast, CT will have a much clearer, unobstructed view. MARK MY WORDS LI. your uppance is coming out the top of an irate african island. SUCK IT.
beacause of this i baught tons of tuna when i went drunk grocery shopping last week.
beacause of this i baught tons of tuna when i went drunk grocery shopping last week.
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