The Zombies are Rising Up!

Our eagle-eyed west coast correspondent kept her ears to the ground this week, and spotted some superimportant news on the headline of the newspaper around the guy sleeping in front of her house this morning. From last week's St. Paul Pioneer Press: Zombies sue city, county for abuse.

Superimportant staffers have been working around the clock to get to the bottom of this today, because it's just a freakin' gold mine, considering our sizeable zombie fetish. Zombies? Arrested? Suing? Are we excited about this or are we terrified? While we like to see the zombies sticking up for their rights, we're reminded that they eat brains and shuffle their feet. For christ's sake, we hate people that shuffle their feet. We're also shocked that a bunch of *cops* took in a bunch of zombies. Couldn't the zombies just lurch around and take a chomp out of the officer's arm as they're slipping the handcuffs on? Honestly, cops are dumb, so this should totally work. For those of us who aren't undead, biting a cop might be a bad idea. They've got nightsticks. And mace and things. But ZOMBIES, come on! You coulda easily gotten out of this one.

What's truly upsetting about this is the potential use of zombies as actual weapons of mass destruction. Think about it. Strap a bomb to the leg of the zombie; zombie blows up; zombie loses some limbs; NO. BIG. DEAL. ZOMBIES ARE REUSEABLE!!!

We'd be very excited about this if we were terrorists, but we're not. We just employ immigrant child laborers. No zombies. They're bad for the overhead. Lots of cleanup to do when you're dealing with zombie laborers. Terrorists, however, dont' have to worry about cleanup. Zombie blows up, puts another bomb on, goes back out and blows up again. Unbelievable potential for collateral damage here. Given that, superimportant has to take the uncharacteristic step of siding with the cops on this matter. Mostly because it totally leaves everything open for a zombie prison-break scenario that we'd love to see.