The dry air. It makes me pick my nose.

I can't get my fingers out of there these days. Is anybody seeing this? Are people watching me? Does anybody even read this crap anyway? If so, can you spread the gospel, my people?

The Zombies are Rising Up!

Our eagle-eyed west coast correspondent kept her ears to the ground this week, and spotted some superimportant news on the headline of the newspaper around the guy sleeping in front of her house this morning. From last week's St. Paul Pioneer Press: Zombies sue city, county for abuse.

Superimportant staffers have been working around the clock to get to the bottom of this today, because it's just a freakin' gold mine, considering our sizeable zombie fetish. Zombies? Arrested? Suing? Are we excited about this or are we terrified? While we like to see the zombies sticking up for their rights, we're reminded that they eat brains and shuffle their feet. For christ's sake, we hate people that shuffle their feet. We're also shocked that a bunch of *cops* took in a bunch of zombies. Couldn't the zombies just lurch around and take a chomp out of the officer's arm as they're slipping the handcuffs on? Honestly, cops are dumb, so this should totally work. For those of us who aren't undead, biting a cop might be a bad idea. They've got nightsticks. And mace and things. But ZOMBIES, come on! You coulda easily gotten out of this one.

What's truly upsetting about this is the potential use of zombies as actual weapons of mass destruction. Think about it. Strap a bomb to the leg of the zombie; zombie blows up; zombie loses some limbs; NO. BIG. DEAL. ZOMBIES ARE REUSEABLE!!!

We'd be very excited about this if we were terrorists, but we're not. We just employ immigrant child laborers. No zombies. They're bad for the overhead. Lots of cleanup to do when you're dealing with zombie laborers. Terrorists, however, dont' have to worry about cleanup. Zombie blows up, puts another bomb on, goes back out and blows up again. Unbelievable potential for collateral damage here. Given that, superimportant has to take the uncharacteristic step of siding with the cops on this matter. Mostly because it totally leaves everything open for a zombie prison-break scenario that we'd love to see.

DEATH STAR is the name of my new metal band

It's a metal band that needs to happen. Seriously. Think about it. DEATH STAR. D E A T H S T A R . How fucking hardcore is that? It's a damn STAR OF DEATH. GRADNNDNDNNDNDNAaaanlalalalalalnnannaANGNAN GARAGAGNNANNANANANANANALALALALALallalannndndndndndnd !!!!!!!!!! --. that was what metal looks like when it's typed out. And not only is a DEATH STAR just badass, it totally taps into a genre i'm not sure has ever been tapped into - nerd metal. DEATH STAR!!!! MAN, think about it!!!! The first album would be called "THIS DEATH STAR IS FULLY ARMED & OPERATIONAL". Then the second album would be called "YOUR FLEET IS NO MATCH TO THE POWER OF THIS DEATH STAR," or something like that. I think the emperor said that. Every time we come on stage, two minutes before we start, the lights will go off and the sound guy will play a recording that says "THE DEATH STAR WILL BE IN RANGE IN TWO MINUTES" and so on....damn, god it will be awesome.

San Francisco rules, New York makes me sick.

But only literally sick.
As soon as I stepped off the plane at JFK and felt the 20-degree cooler temperature and sucked in a few breathfuls of exhaust, my throat got scratchy and I had a headache. The headache could’ve been from a number of things, really – any time I get around using anything other than a bike, I get a headache. Cabs, Airplanes, subways – headache. Maybe it makes me think too much and get all political about transportation issues and public health issues and the overlap between them, and then I realize how little I really care to DO anything about that, and then the GUILT sets in, and I get a headache. Or, it could just be from the fumes. The toxic byproducts of our oil-dependent society of course. Agh! See, there you go, I’ve got a headache again! Of course, I’m on a bus right now too, so that could have something to do with it. On a bus home for Thanksgiving. Thanks for killing off the indigenous populations of the Americas, white man. Fucking oppressor. SHIT! I need a damn Tylenol!

Card swallowing ATMs

Why do they still exist? Everywhere, it's swipe and go, push in quickly and remove... Never ENTER CARD AND FORGET IN SAN FRANCISCO UNTIL YOU GET BACK TO NEW YORK AND TRY TO BUY A BOTTLE OF BOURBON!!! Thanks, San Francisco. Now, my Bank of America card is probably in the hands of the same meth-head who stole the rear wheel off of my Concorde while I was in a comedy show with the greatest hostess ever. Comedy shows are great, because you always come out thinking you, too, are funny. I even tried to make funny jokes about the missing wheels of me & my hostess. They fell flat. So we drink whiskey & sparks to ease our pain. But hey, my damn bank card is still in San Francisco. And instead of calling the bank to let them know that it's missing, I keep getting distracted (by work of all things) and only blog or email about it. Hopefully that meth-head doesn't guess my password: BONER.

If I ran a mental institution

You know how the crazies get "break time" and they get to lurch around the garden and stuff? Well, when I run my own mental institution, break time is going to be called "escape time", and all the inmates are going to think they're escaping the facilities. Of course, we (the staff) will be "chasing" them, and will always round them all up, but they'll always remember it as "that time that we almost escaped." It'll be the best time of their lives. For everyone involved - especially if we get to use tazers. Tazers fucking rule.