There's a tank in my overalls!

How did these guys ever let these guys exist? If I were from OKT, I totally woulda gone down to OKBG and been all "we're going to demolish your namby pamby romper room warehouses with our freakin' tanks. You're totally ruining our brand value." For serious. I, for one, will always associate Osh Kosh with B'Gosh and cute overalls. An entire generation or so agrees. And those poor people who make arguably the baddest ass vehicles in the damn world probably get emails from mom's asking how to buy replacement buttons for pants. HAHAHAH. losers.

Training kids not to bite their fingernails

Instructional manuals like these might come in handly later in life, actually. To my coworker, for instance. Smack, smack smack, suck suck suck...that's the sound of him biting his fucking fingernails all day long. Biting the nails, eating off the skin. Or something. Who really knows what nailbiters do? Or why the hell they do it? But for crying out loud, it's almost as bad as having to stand next to a couple smooching on the subway for your entire ride. Smack smack smack, suck suck suck. Get a fucking room. To you, my coworker, I'm going to figure out a way to dip your fingernails in formaldehyde so next time you freakin CHEW on them , it makes you throw up. Violently. maybe I'll have the people at the sandwich shop coat their bread with poison, just for you. Until I figure out a way to do that, just freakin' stop! It's driving me crazy. And it's disgusting. You're not a baby. And I went to one of those baby sites - it said to give you something else to occupy your hands - like a little plush doll or something. Well, I'm not going to give you a plush doll . I think it's a little inappropriate at this time in our lives. Plus, I don't think you'd get the hint. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?

Someone told me the olympics were on

which reminds me:


and,
Does anyone even watch anymore?

It's actually pretty hard to fly in your dreams

If you've ever tried, it's not like you might hope flying would be. Usually, I want to be zipping around buildings & stuff, maybe floating by people's offices, spooking them. But floating is about all you can do when you're trying to fly in your dreams. It might be because your body is generally prone & supine - your mind might not be able to trick itself into thinking your body can make quick movements. Even though that's all I'd really like to do when I realize I'm dreaming. I realize I'm dreaming, and my first reaction is always "cool, I'm gonna go fly somewhere". But then I try to leap off the ground up into the sky, and it's all oomph....float away & try to nudge myself in a certain direction. If you haven't tried it yet, you should. But I'm just warning you that it might not live up to your expectations. Sorry.

If we only had brains...brains...

Zombie farm is going to happen. The time is right, people are hungry for cathartic violence and desensitized enough to stomach blowing fist sized shotgun holes through rotting chest cavities. People are angry, and they're growing aggressive. They can sense the tides shifting. Class issues will be complete redefined by this new predator to prey dynamic. Cheney made the first blow--on his "hunting trip" over the weekend. Look at Cheney's furrowed grimace. That's not bowel obstruction, that's the hunger for brains; sweet, delicious brains. I can see him out there in the bush, licking his lips. Suddenly, a snack attack! Attorney's taste like Hamburger Helper! The secret service pulled him off only seconds from having the candy in his mouth.

That's only good press for us. It's clueing people in, getting them ready for our Zombie Farm. Vice Presidential attacks are the first tentative steps. Sending people into catatonic states to trick them into fighting fake zombies is step 2.

You're telling me that no one froze Marshall McLuhan's body?

Who the fuck was in charge back then? Why didn't anyone freeze Marshall McLuhan's body? Jesus Fucking Christ, what were you people thinking? What've we got...Walt Disney? Lou Gherig? Hitler's brain? WHAT THE FUCK? What the hell are we going to do with that - form an animated baseball team of nazis? Is it going to be some kind of terrible annimated version of Maus mixed with A League of Their Own? GOD!!!! Next time, freeze someone useful, for Christ's sake! I need to figure out if my instant messenger is a Hot or Cold media. Is my blog a hot or cold media? I never understood this crap in the first place, and now it's controlling my GOD DAMN LIFE AND NO ONE FROZE MARSHALL MCLUHANS BODY SO HE COULD COME BACK AND EXPLAIN IT TO ME!!!! COME ON!!!

Can I ride my mountain bike in the snow?

Yes.

More superimportantly, how do I get the tires inflated? I realized earlier today while trying to stave off the boredom of sitting around at home listening to jazz, drinking brandy and eating a microwave pizza with chopped up pieces of canned artichoke hearts on top, that not only was my pump broken, but it never had a working Schraeder end in the first place. For those of you out there who aren't enlightened enough to know that you should ride a bike everywhere you go because there isn't going to be any oil after the apocalypse, there are two different valves on a bicycle: Presta and Shraeder. Presta are skinny. Shraeder are like the typical valves that you'll find on a car. This is important to know. Superimportant, as a matter of fact.

What's also superimportant to know is that riding a brakeless, skinny-tired bike home in a blizzard with an inch of snow on the ground after having been drinking for 6 hours is totally awesome. It's also important that my grandmother NEVER READS THIS. She doesn't like the whole "bike around the city all the time" thing anyway, and if she knew I was riding drunk in blizzards with no brakes, she'd shit her pants, which at her age, is actually much more uncommon for her than any of you really need to know.

Getting back to relevant things, I think I need to elaborate on the zombie killing farm that is part of what's going to make the future so awesome. If you've seen the movie 28 days later, there's this part where they're in the castle, and all the zombies come lurching towards them, and they have to keep them back with machine guns. Frankly, I'd pay good money to be able to be one of the guys who gets to shoot machine guns at zombies who are lurching across a feild at me. I'd be like paintball, except you get to actually kill people. There are more details about the zombie farm in the predecessor of the superimportant: mything.
This is how I will begin planning for the zombie farm: zombie roaches. Genetic engineers will kindly contact me with resumes and references.

You know what I can't wait for? The future!

The future's going to be really rad. We're talking flying cars, little robot slaves, microwaves that materialize pizzas at the push of a button, and zombie killing farms. Mostly, I'm looking forward to the obsolescence of all these gadgets we've got. We're going to have tiny microchips implated in our ears that store terabytes of music instead of iPods. We wont' need computer screens, because we'll have tiny microchips in our eyeballs that project whatever we need onto our eyeballs. or...something like that. Like, we'll access our "screen" and the tiny microchip in the back of our eye will make the front of our eye...or, it will SEEM like the front of our eye, but our brain is actually reading it...the front of our eye will see all this data. Then we can turn it off. Or just learn to ignore it. Or maybe we'll have these gloves that we can wear that will be like the powerglove for the Nintendo, except not a piece of shit that you couldn't really play any games with. And it won't really be a glove, of course. We'll have tiny microchips implanted in our arms. And buttons too. Like Boba Fett. Boba Fett was clearly the shit.

Yeah, the future is going to be awesome. We won't have phones. We'll just think "call mom" and she'll be all like "hey, son, how are you sweetheart?" And you can talk as quietly as you want because your voice is going straight to their ear, through tiny microchips in your throat.

And there will be matter transportation devices, which will probably make bike messengers obsolete completely, but maybe some places won't be able to afford them, so it won't be that bad. But Matter Transporters will be used in other ways than you might expect. No more "crossing the street". All you have to do is step into the matter transporter, and you're instantly ACROSS THE STREET! Or, you step into the matter transporter at the mall, and you can go to the GAP. LIKE THAT! Dude, the future is totally going to be sweet.

chocolate cake

There's this photo of chocolate cake that I run across whenever I'm doing an image search. Here it is:




Working at a place that deals with dinners & desserts all the time makes me hungry. It also makes me feel somewhat emasculated, but that's because the other part of the job is working on weddings, homemaking, and flowers, but I'm not going to get into that here. It's just that damn chocolate cake. Jeebus, it looks delicious. Like, i want a piece right now. Or maybe a whole row of Reese's peanut butter cups. Reese's peanut butter cups always kinda felt like a ripoff, because you were only getting two in a package. And while they were probably the most delicious things like, ever, it was too easy to finish them off too quickly. But I really want one right now. Or a cadbury egg. Those things were the shit. Oh my god. But look at that chocolate cake!!! I can't stop thinking about it, and neither should you. OH, hey, you know what? I just realized that I used that chocolate cake in a layout one time, and taped it up right next to my computer. So that's why I can't get it out of my head. It's been 18 inches away from me every day for a month & a half. Ha!

Who works here

The superimportant pantry is filled with 7 things. Six of them are listed under "these pretzel rods seem stale" below. The other things are magazines & books casually left there by people going in for stale pretzel rods. They're delightful reading, but I can't seem to figure out who left them there. The most recent additions are a mysterious catalogue called "Big Girl Knits"and a copy of "Undoing Perpetual Stress".

One wonders if they belong to the same person.

a reminder to spit on Hummers

All the loyal readers of the predecessor of superimportant (a blog hosted on some kid named ken's myspace page)will know that there's a superimportant policy you all must adhere to of spitting on Hummers. All of them. When you see them, spit on them. They deserve it. It's the least you can do. Let's see an example of why: Here's the Hummer ad that ran during the super bowl. Now, I was taking a nap during the Super Bowl this year, but fortunately all the ads were on google video the next day. And seeing as I didn't have shit to do that day, I went and watched all the ads. I really liked the Stunt City spot. It was the coolest of the hypermasculinity ads, which every freakin new energy drink seemed to embrace. None so much as ad for whatever Full Throttle is. It was so laden with male stereotypes, it was almost offensive, which is fucking fantastic, considering how many godaddy ads there were.

Anyway, this freakin Hummer ad. Good. Lord. I'm almost baffled as to how anyone that WORKS for Hummer can make that ad ad make it an ad FOR Hummer. It's almost like some college kids made an ANTI-Hummer ad that was exactly that, and Hummer didn't get it, or knew their mongoloid demographic so well that they knew that breaking stuff would appeal to them. I...I....I don't really have words for it. It makes me sad. I don't feel like I need to explain why it makes me sad.

So remember kids, spit on your Hummers. Even the H3's. They're for the people who want to feel like they have huge cocks...but not *that* huge. Still, they deserve it. Just make sure the owners don't get out & get in front of you while you're riding your bike and they punch you and you bounce off the parked cars to your left and after you turn back to laugh at the douche, you fall and land on your Krome bag and fracture a rib. Don't let that happen. Just spit on the Hummer and go away.

Cellphones go in pockets

Unless you work with me, in which case, they remain in bags, or on desktops (the physical, material kind), with the ringer on. You then must make frequent trips away from your desk. It also turns out that your friends happen to call while you're away from your desk. If you don't make frequent trips away from your desk, you must remember to leave your ringer on and never EVER use the vibrate function. Also, your cellphone does NOT belong in your pocket if it is not on vibrate and you are still at your desk. You also must deliberate about whether to pick up the phone while it rings. Ideally of course, you will be away from your desk while your phone rings. Remember, it is important never to leave your phone on vibrate.

Balance and Orientation

When shooting pool with your eyes closed, it is important not to look in the other direction. One might assume that since one's eyes are closed, what freakin' difference does it make? You're already not even looking at the stupid balls. Well, if you can get your mind off of looking at balls for just one second, you might realize that it has something to do with the inner ear. Something about balance and orientation. When you're looking off to the left, your drunk dumb ass might fall over or completely miss the ball. However, if you're looking straight ahead, even with your eyes closed, you can like, remember what the table looks like and maybe still hit the ball. Of course, I'm better than you, so I can look wherever I want with my eyes closed and still sink the ball. Just remember when you're practicing, to keep looking straight ahead. And don't hurt yourself.

You're welcome.

Things that are the jam

cool is the jam
rad is the jam
neat is the jam
thesauruses are the jam
awesome is the jam
like is the jam
I am the jam
Shants is the Jam
Uniball pens are the jam
superimportant is the jam
bikes are the jam, obviously

Please post your suggestions to the superimportant jam survey