Don't have that ice cream sandwich.

You're lactose intolerant.

And yes, banana ice cream does sound delicious. But it's not worth it.

Clear your browser cache

There are times in life when clearing your browser cache is important. Let's say - "on interviews" - for instance. Because if you're a web designer and you're using your laptop to show potential future bosses the best of your your work, you better hope she types real fast when she grabs your computer to bring up a website she wants you to check out. It could be catastrophic if she's a one-finger typer, and an array of smutty websites scroll down your recent history when she types the first letter of wherever she's going. So yeah, remember to clear your history. And delete all those movie files from your desktop. And don't stare at her tits, while you're at it. That's not going to win you any favors, either. And for gods sake, don't hug her. We all know where that leads.

Hugging is like a gateway drug

It starts innocently enough, but a hug, no matter how affectionately, is only a step on the way to dangerous activities like heavy petting. One may think that this innocuous embrace is merely a dismissable token of appreciation, but then the swelling of your mom's breasts pressed up against my chest heightens the arousal in both of us, and hands begin to wander. A hug can be short or long. There are bro-hugs and family hugs. Careless individuals should never ever let these types of hugs lead to anything further. The dangerous types of hugs, on the other hand, find your mother breathing heavily on my neck as the hug lingers just a moment past normal. Then she invites me back sometime when you're not around. Yeah, that's why I couldn't go to the movies with you that time, by the way. Hugs are dangerous. Hugs lead to hands caressing your mom's back, which is surprisingly in shape for a woman of her age. And then unbuttoning shirts and reaching for undergarments. By this point, the casual hug has clearly shown it's darker side, and when your Dad is off on a business trip, your mom and I are doing terrible, terrible things in the very spot where you were conceived. Dont' do hugs.

This is not a bundt-shaped asteroid

But superimportant can understand your confusion.

In Superimportant's ongoing quest to demonstrate valuable lessons in healthy living, we bring you another important lesson: Do not bake in the middle of the night while drunk. Our offices narrowly escaped consumption by fire after this monkey cake lay in the oven for 5 hours, while we laid on our bed, passed out in our clothes, with the lights on. Don't try this at home, kids.

It's superimportant

It's superimportant to step back and ask yourself if your photoshoot might be subliminal. (From Martha Stewart Living, July 2007)

Caffiene doesn't work

However, maybe i'm just not trying hard enough. Maybe I shouldn't have taken that preemptive nap after work. Maybe what you need to do is force your way through your body's instinct to shut down, disregarding whatever harm may come, and charge like a .... hey, I won't send that email about how I just noticed that the main image of the dude who's website I'm designing is of him standing in front of some fine art - fine full frontal nudity art, boobs all up in your face is what I'm talking about. Maybe it's just that hour where those things cease being fine art and start becoming porn. I mean, it's art, but do we want boobs all up in ya'lls face when you go to this guy's website? It's not a porn site, in case you're wondering. Although his food is orgasmic, really. He's a chef.

So, the point is, caffiene doesn't work. I'm a runaway freight train. This is how I imagine caffiene should be working: somewhat like PCP, where I've been told it gives you superstrength and you can like, flip cars and toss kegs over walls, and compete in Celtic fest competitions. Building longboats with Viking dragons on it & stuff. O. Caffiene would basically be like doing pullups all the time. Instead of my bike being partially camoflauged, it's wheel detached, half of a cardboard discwheel half attached to it...instead of that, my bike would be fully camoflauged, and I'd have already taken a photoshoot of it. Also, this chef's website would be uploaded. And my film would be fully edited and I'd have four arms to push play on the four DVD players that are going to play it at the same time. If caffiene TRULY worked, my couches wouldn't be askew and there wouldn't be boxcutters & x-acto knives on the floor of my living room. My resume would also likely be floating through the tubes that make up the internet and instead of spending the last two minutes watching Transformers stop-action videos, I would've actually found the video of that senator trying to describe the internet as a series of tubes.

All those tubes would be pointed back to my up-to-date website portfolio, as well.

Fifty Dollar Bill?! Fifty Dollar Bill?!

Shit, son.... Bank machine's these days are like, straight outta the 21st Century. Not only does it suck checks in without envelopes & read em with scanners or something, it reads 'em right! Even written ones. Furthermore, I got Grants in my wallet now! Fifties?! From ATM machines? whoa! I thought I made a mistake. Then I stared at it. Thing's pretty. It gots pinstriped flags & things. Oh, so Han & Leia are now flying into the asteroid field where they fly into the belly of that huge worm, because the Millenium Falcon's hyperdrive thingy was damaged. Fifty dollar bill! I felt like the monopoly man. The riches! I felt like living in Luxury. What better place than to break a crisp Fifty than on a $3.99 Cheeseburger at Crown Friend Chicken. Da-go-bah!

Listening to Star Wars

I don't own a television, but one thing I do own is the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. #4,5, and 6, of course. Those ....other.... movies don't count. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I bought my cousin's 7-year old twins the original series on DVD and they were like "oh, we don't really like those Star Wars. We like the new ones". .....Not only did those kids die to me that day, a little bit of myself died as well. This is sorta akin to how I feel about the Batman movies. I think "Batman Begins" is probably the best one, but by virtue of the fact that "Batman" came out when I was 12 years old - that being prime time to be completely obsessed with Batman - the two movies are running even keel, although I'd give more merit to my youthful delight with the first Tim Burton Batman, which I saw in the theaters 6 times.

Anyway, I'm listening to the DVD of Star wars right now, visualizing the movie as it plays out audially from my living room. Han Solo's trying to get the Millenium Falcon fixed so he can leave Hoth. C3P0 is acting all gay. Leia's all "give the evacuation code....and get to your transports". I'm doing this:

Stop being lazy readers, lazy readers.

You know, the superimportant staff slaves for long, very poorly paid hours day, night, and weekends to bring you breaking news and groundbreaking reporting . (And when I say "slave", I'm really not joking. You should see the conditions these poor kids have to work in. I'd almost feel sympathetic for them, if they didn't have such bad attitudes about it.) Often, our newsbriefs redefine brief, but our theory is that you don't need to be too wordy to get the point across. Keep it concise and to the point. Brevity is the soul of wit. Ignorance is Bliss. Something like that. But every so often, we bring you a great feature, filled with pearls of wisdom and awesomeness. For instance, "Bad Things Happen when you leave the city", and "Minor Revolutions". These are award winning pieces of literature. Unfortunately, the Pulitzer committee is filled with retards & hos, so we can be sure we won't ever receive proper, adequate recognition. That's why we turn to you, our readers. And what do you pieces of trash do? You probably stare at it with your Frankestein like gaze, see more than a paragraph, and belch out "hnggghh...too many words" between shotguns of PBR, and look for something with more pictures. Well let me tell you something, readers, pictures are for kids. This is superimportant.

Double Booking is just asking for trouble

A note to British girls visiting their Boston friends and making weekend trips to New York who might happen to stop by a Bike Polo game and give out their numbers to ex Philadelphians: Don't do this if you've got boyfriends who you will talk to for a half hour on the phone at the bar after the Philadelphian and his friend buy you drinks the next day. Furthermore, try not to meet the *other* two dudes you gave your slut phone number to at the same bar at the same time. It just doesn't. make. sense. It's a good thing superimportant is here to clear up this breach of etiquitte.

Secondly, a note to single, Philadelphian, polo players in search of wingmen: try to make sure the double-booking, taken girls you pick up are attractive. Thank you for your time.