Cupcakes

My cupcakes rule. Orange flavored cake mix + Dark Chocolate icing. Beat that, assholes. I bet you wish you had some right now. Well too bad. They went to my sister and a certain special lady friend. Who ARE two separate people, by the way.

Girls Cheat

This can be the only explanation for my 0-for-3 Connect Four losing streak. Girls fucking cheat. I am a Connect Four master, and challenge any of you to a tournament. Extra caution will be taken if you're a girl, because I know you're all wily and cunning. I'm not sure how it was pulled off. Maybe the girl took advantage of my slight inebriation to swap the red checkers for the black checkers. Maybe she batted her eyes a few too many times and I went all stupid-like and totally didn't see that diagonal there. All I know is it was not a fair, honest win. Girls Cheat.

Or...or maybe I was right....maybe girls strike me dumb. Maybe their charm and beauty renders me too mentally incapacitated to succeed at children's games. Usually I can win Connect Four with an image-blurring inebriation. But not with girls. They're all like faeries. Evil Faeries. Or Sirens, you know? With their distracting siren song. Fuckers.

It seems like every time I play a girl, they win. Except that time with your Mom. I totally kicked her ass. But she was high anyway, so maybe that doesn't count. Then again, I was high off the crack that she sold me, too. Come to think of it, who even knows if your Mom is a girl anyway? She's got a pretty hairy back.

Bored out of my fucking skull

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz



snnxxxxxxxxzzzzzzzzzzzghhmmffhhh.....hefff....
snxxxzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............
gaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhggnnnn....ffff.




Christ, work is bullshit.

It's so boring, I've been drawing in my sketchbook. And taking hour and a half lunches at least 4 times a week. If only I could justify another hour and a half break an hour later. That would really split up the day. As it is, my guilt complex always leads me back to the petri dish to stare at my monitor for the next few hours, opening & closing my iTunes window to make it look like I'm doing something.
The 9 to 5 office job is inhumane, if you ask me. It's not natural for people to be cooped up inside like this all the time, especially with no fucking windows, like me.
Anyone have any good time wasters? I might read a book. Seriously. I kinda like the idea of sitting in my desk chair, my screensaver flashing neon goobers in front of me, legs propped up on the desk, reading. That'd be awesome. I'd rather not be staring at a monitor to kill the 8 hours of my day called "work", but if there's something time consuming and awesome/hilarious out there, I'd love to know what it is.

Alright, I'm going back to sleep. Fuck this.

Two New Superimportant links

The links themselves aren't superimportant. Only superimportant is superimportant, obviously. However, the world is a boring fucking place, and superimportant things can't possibly happen all the time. In fact, they only happen once or twice a week, if you think about it. While you're waiting for superimportance, the superimportant staff suggests the quality links to your right. The newest additions are New In My Apartment, and To Be Blunt. Both are review sites for things new to this dude's apartment. The only apparent difference is that To Be Blunt reviews things in one sentence or less. The Superimportant staff would like to remind you that anything on any page you may link to from this site is NOT superimportant news, so do not take it as such. The only place to find out anything important about anything is from superimportant.

Something I ate gave me really bad gas

It's a damn good thing I live alone, huh? It's a pretty bad thing I work in a small, semi-enclosed, poorly ventilated, germ infested space though. (We call it the petri dish. At least, that's what I call it. I don't know if anyone else really finds it funny. But that's never really my concern). If any of my coworkers are reading this, yeah, that was me. Sorry about that.

So let's see. What could it be? Let's start at say...the beginning of yesterday. Tuesday.

I left late for work and didn't have breakfast at home, so I got a Carrot Muffin with some coffee at the Unitarian coffee shop next to work. They seemed disappointed that I hadn't been coming in there recently. Maybe because I was on to their creep-ass Unitarian brainwashing plans. Fucking psychos.

Carrot Muffin

Oh. Then, someone brought in a bunch of Krispy Kreme donuts. Jesus Christ, I love Krispy Kremes.

2 glazed, 1 jelly filled

For lunch, I reheated the Chicken cooked in garlic, lemon juice, leeks, and cilantro that I made the night before.

Then I rode my bike a bunch after work and watched my friend get a ticket for touching an undercover cop car. Mind you, this undercover cop car was in the park after it had been closed to cars, and was slowly driving into our lane as we were riding in it. So my buddy touches the hood at the front of the car to be like, "dude, uh, don't run me over? I'm riding a bike here?" Seconds later, "whooop!" flashing lights, "you got ID?" He ended up getting a summons for "hitting the car and not riding in the bike lane". Cops are fucking douchefags. I'm totally going to court for this guy.

OK, so after that, I made an omelette with Avocados & Bacon. Damn, that was good. And I had a whiskey & coke & passed out.

This morning, I had sliced bananas on toast with peanut butter, as usual.

For lunch, I had a 6" cold cut combo from Subway with spinach, onions, tomatoes, uhhhhhhhhh, black olives, green peppers, mayonaisse, & spicy mustard.

Then I had a cookie.

Then I cooked my sister the same chicken dinner I made monday night & reheated for Tuesday's lunch. I cook dinner for her sometimes on Wednesday nights and we watch L O S T. It's like our family bonding time.

And now it's now. So what's giving me this gas?

Carrot Muffin + coffee?
Chicken w/ garlic, cilantro, lemon juice, & leeks?
Three Krispy Kreme Donuts?
Avocado & Bacon Omelette?
Peanut Butter, Banana, & wheat toast?
Subway Cold Cut Combo with Spinach, Tomato, Onion, Green Pepper, Black Olives, Mayo & Mustard?
Cookie?
Same Chicken thing?

VOTE NOW! NO SPAM, PLEASE!

thewse new glovces are awesomes

some people might be maklinmgf fdun of me fore buyng my weintedrt gfloves from QVC, but you giuys have no ideaw./ tyhy're completelyu waztrerproof!!@!@ i gusrsanteer it! AAND, they're rtelqwtively easy to tyupe with! Don't hgouy think sdop?

But really, trust m e on this oine. Comfortrmp gloves from QWVC are wasterPROOF. Hold 'em nder a faucet if hyou dont bel;ieve me. You could ride asround all; day liong in the pourin g rain, thn e hacve a snowball, foght, and your hjasnds will NEV ER get wewt1! And they're warm. great fgor wim ter ridimgf. The worst days in winter are when it's asbovce freerzinmg, but sdnowng anywasy. Snow just meltsx on you thjen. it;s miserble. Therse glovcces makle it m,uich morte tyolereabler.

And whyu amn] I shopping at QVC\, ylj ask? Howe didd i know where to find thesde gloves? Well, myu Mom bought them, foer m origimally. Thanksd, Mo-m! Great loves! BVuty I lost one at a Times-Up party a ,month or so ago. I weas pissdedf! These gloves ruled! Watrerpreoofd! SXo ,my buddy Austi n looked 'em up. Firsrt, he called m,y bluffd on the Waterproof cl;aim by running a faucet over them, provcinmg to him too, that COMFORTEMP glovces ARE indeed water-fuckinmfgf-proof! So Austin looked it up, and he wass likwe "QVC, dude". "Well, that makes sene=se," I said. Myu Mom's got his tyhi g for QWVC. She buys stuff threre. whatever though, yuo! Stop hation! COMFOERTEMP RULES! I had top buy anothjer ;pair.

It's opening day!

Baseball season has begun again! I think. Right? I heard something about it on NPR this morning. NPR reporters interviewing people about sports kinda sound like me talking to my Dad about money. I have no idea what's going on, and I can't wait until the conversation changes topic. What the hell is a mortgage anyway?

So it's baseball season again. That means time's freakin' flying. And that's it, as far as I'm concerned. Just keep checking badjocks.com. It's all about sports stars who fuck up. The elevator taught me that. I get most of my news from the elevator in my building. And the most superimportant of it often filters to this blog. You're welcome.

Ugh, my taint is killing me!

Bike racing is turning me into an incredible loser. I've got to leave every party I'm at by midnight so I can wake up in time to race at 6 fucking thirty the next morning. Either it's turning me into a loser, or it's merely harboring the inner loser I always was by giving me valid excuses to leave parties early - before I get wasted, say stupid things with excruciatingly slurred speech, make horrendous attempts at picking up women, and ultimately fall over a couple times, pretending that that's just perfectly ok even though I stopped the rapidly approaching floor with my face.

One thing is for certain. My taint hurts. My gooch. My perineum, technically. It's a common problem among cyclists, you know? Seeing as you're sitting there, bouncing up & down on a leather saddle smashing up into your crotch for a few hours. That's why they have those saddles with the slits in the middle. It's to help prevent saddlesore. I think. Or allow you to have babies, which no biker can do, apparently.

OK, OK, I'm gonna take a wild tangent here and point out that while trying to find good medical dictionary links for "perineum", the Google links on medical-dictionary.com were hilarious. Check it out:
1) "EBay.com - Save Money and Buy Perineum On Ebay"
2) "Perineum: 100% Free Adult Dating Site"
and
3) "Find the Best Sites For Perineum With Joltsearch"

I'm not making this up.

Wow. 100% Free Adult Dating? That's definitely what I'm thinking about when my gooch is burning. And Ebay's got them for sale? Holy crap! I think I might've solved all my problems right there. I'm gonna tell the team! If they're cheap enough, maybe we can just buy a ton of spares and swap 'em out after races! This is groundbreaking, really. It's gonna make saddlesore a thing of the past. Yay!