Starve a fever, feed a whole box of girl scout cookies to a cold

That's the way the old saying goes, right? If so, why do I still feel so goddamn shitty? I'm just trying to adhere to the only wisdom i know. It's a collective history that teaches us how to take care of ourselves, and I'm honoring that history by eating that entire box of Samoas. Why is my nose still running? I'm even more than half way through the box of Lemonades. Why are my sinuses freaking killing me? What does our American mythology have to say for itself when it's folklore - clearly more accurate than its science - still cannot help me cure my common cold. I am furious.