Bachelor Fridge

There's a good reason my fridge looks the way it does:


I'm a single man, living alone. What do you expect from me, really? Awful things could happen if I had a well stocked fridge. Believe me. Back in the day, I used to have roommates. Three of 'em in fact. Even with four dudes sharing a well stocked fridge, food was left uneaten for unknown periods of time. Awful things happen to food when it isn't eaten. Terrible things. Food wants to be eaten. That's what it's there for. When it's not eaten, it feels neglected, and does things to make you regret your neglect. I just don't want to neglect food. I'm sensitive that way. I've seen what happens. Like this:


That's an onion. Pretty though, isn't it? Some of these things are actually pretty beautiful, if not stomach turning.



How about that? Rice & Beans. See what happens when you neglect food? It turns on you. I want to be kind to food.


Those are beets. Why the fuck were there beets in our fridge in the first place? Hey, I don't know. They were my roommate's. He was a weird fucking kid, I'm serious. Looked like a little hobbit. Hairy feet. Ate three breakfasts. Slept in a hammock. Bought toilet paper & locked it in his room so we couldn't use it. Sang a lot. I'm not joking. I eventually moved out mainly because this kid was so weird. He moved in with this dude "the fake Alex Alan" who lived on our couch for three weeks, never showered or cleaned his clothes, had a 12" beard, and came to New York with nothing but a backpack and a thumb piano. A thumb piano. We eventually kicked him out because he stank so much. He was "the fake" Alex Alan because because the *real* Alex Alan was ANOTHER roommate of ours. There were two kids named Alex Alan living at our place at the same time. The *real* one was so metrosexual it was painful. They couldn't be more different. It was really weird.



Swiss Cheese. I guess we thought we were going to make sandwiches. This was probably before I figured out I was lactose intolerant.



This used to be lettuce. Really. Lettuce bleeds when it's neglected. See, you vegetarians? Lettuce freakin' bleeds!!! I suppose we were going to use this with the Swiss to make sandwiches. Apparently, we never got around to it. But I had to make sure that nothing was thrown away upon discovery. It had to be documented. I never knew why. I do now.