Anybody have any nose-hair clippers?

Seriously. There are these few hairs just...sticking...way out there. It's like having a booger I just can't reach. I really need to clip these things. And I need to find a bathroom without anyone in it....because it's a bit awkward when someone comes out of the stall and you've got scissors sticking up your nose. As if that's perfectly normal. "Oh hey,.....what? Oh, uhhh.... nothing...nothing." Maybe the air in the new building we've moved to is just dryer. Maybe that makes my nose hairs longer. But I've been sticking my fingers up there all day, and let me tell you, you can't just yank those things out. It hurts. Real bad. Tear-inducing, actually. Damn it's cold in here. Please, turn down the AC, too.

Bachelor Fridge

There's a good reason my fridge looks the way it does:


I'm a single man, living alone. What do you expect from me, really? Awful things could happen if I had a well stocked fridge. Believe me. Back in the day, I used to have roommates. Three of 'em in fact. Even with four dudes sharing a well stocked fridge, food was left uneaten for unknown periods of time. Awful things happen to food when it isn't eaten. Terrible things. Food wants to be eaten. That's what it's there for. When it's not eaten, it feels neglected, and does things to make you regret your neglect. I just don't want to neglect food. I'm sensitive that way. I've seen what happens. Like this:


That's an onion. Pretty though, isn't it? Some of these things are actually pretty beautiful, if not stomach turning.



How about that? Rice & Beans. See what happens when you neglect food? It turns on you. I want to be kind to food.


Those are beets. Why the fuck were there beets in our fridge in the first place? Hey, I don't know. They were my roommate's. He was a weird fucking kid, I'm serious. Looked like a little hobbit. Hairy feet. Ate three breakfasts. Slept in a hammock. Bought toilet paper & locked it in his room so we couldn't use it. Sang a lot. I'm not joking. I eventually moved out mainly because this kid was so weird. He moved in with this dude "the fake Alex Alan" who lived on our couch for three weeks, never showered or cleaned his clothes, had a 12" beard, and came to New York with nothing but a backpack and a thumb piano. A thumb piano. We eventually kicked him out because he stank so much. He was "the fake" Alex Alan because because the *real* Alex Alan was ANOTHER roommate of ours. There were two kids named Alex Alan living at our place at the same time. The *real* one was so metrosexual it was painful. They couldn't be more different. It was really weird.



Swiss Cheese. I guess we thought we were going to make sandwiches. This was probably before I figured out I was lactose intolerant.



This used to be lettuce. Really. Lettuce bleeds when it's neglected. See, you vegetarians? Lettuce freakin' bleeds!!! I suppose we were going to use this with the Swiss to make sandwiches. Apparently, we never got around to it. But I had to make sure that nothing was thrown away upon discovery. It had to be documented. I never knew why. I do now.

City of Brotherly Love - San Francisco

Because Philly kids are a bunch of little bitches. Not ALL of them, mind you - there are certainly a few out there who aren't punk wiseass hatin' pussies - but the general ethos coming from Philadelphia is definitely not one of brotherly love. San Fran, from what I hear, has that shit wrapped up. People actually give a shit about eachother out there. Philly? Not so much.

Superimportant is hereby starting the drive to strip Philadelphia of its name and ban anyone from ever using it in relation to that city ever again. Because it just isn't true.It's unfortunate that, you know, "city of brotherly love" is kinda what "Philadelphia" *means* when translated from latin...or greek...or whatever bullshit they use to make this crap up, but maybe the entire city needs to be renamed anyway. Suggestions are welcomed.

tetris high score!

Man, I was ON last friday during my afternoon dump! Tetris on my cell phone, you'll recall, is my preferred way of spending my bathroom breaks. My bathroom breaks are important methods of purging everything from my head and my body. Tetris helps me turn any intelligent thought into waste matter.

On Friday, I beat my high score at the timed version of the game - where you have 120 seconds to get as many lines as you can. Mannnnn, I didn't make ONE mistake. No empty holes covered up by awkward pieces, no one line here, one line there - every one of my scores was a perfect tetris, yo. 4 lines at a time! 4 lines at a time! BAM BAM BAM!!!! I was on FIRE, I tell you. My ass? Not so much on fire! That was another bonus. Had I engorged on buffalo wings or anything dairy the day before, the story would've been much different, and I would've had several more opportunities to top my high score. But as it was, I only took my typical afternoon poop/tetris break, and blasted my high score of 5310 out of the water with a 6180!!! FUCK YEAH!

I think I might start recording my scores on the bathroom wall, along with the consistency of my stool. (June, 23 - 6180 - loose), etc.

A superimportant affiliate

Occassionally, but EXTREMELY rarely, superimportant things are posted on other sites. The staff of superimportant keeps an eye on the internet 24 hours a day to detect these rare postings. They don't sleep. And we farm the labor out to china, so it's really really cheap. Pretty thankless, dirty work, trying to find superimportant things elsewhere, BUT just the other day, one of our employees found something posted on messnyc.net (you can follow that link directly to the article). That employee received an extra nickel for the week.

three words every man wants to hear

"So, you wanna get into bed, drink beer, eat cookies, and watch Fantastic Four? Just let me finish washing the dishes."

Just sayin....

To be fair

I realize that the earlier superimportant news about killing zombies may unfairly single out certain elements of our society, and superimportant wants to emphasize that we're not pricks, just assholes. Also, feedback from R&D has recommended we explain what the hell we're talking about when we talk about the zombie killing farm. "Not everyone has been reading superimportant from it's inception," our researchers say. After we stopped crying and our rage subsided, we realized that they were right. It takes time for superimportant news to spread, and some people may be resistant to accept the fact that pretty much everything other than superimportant is irrelevant.

For the reader's reference, here is earlier reading material on the zombie farm. It is a superimportant ongoing endeavor. Our R&D department is working behind the scenes, tirelessly, to bring this project to fruition.

The original concept is explained here.

It is mysteriously expounded upon by some dude called Haiku Harry in this blog post from February

Then in March another reference was made in relation to the justification of the dissolution of the state of Rhode Island.

Now that the reader is up to date, let's continue.

To be fair to the zombies, superimportant wishes to extend the list of people who deserve to be herded together, then dragged out & gunned down as a leisure activity.

1) People in elevators who say "thank you" when the door opens. I don't know what was up with that crazy lady, but the world is full of 'em.
2) Your mom's pimp. I think he cheated me out of $4.
3) People who name the layers in their photoshop documents descriptive things like "layer 106", "layer 106 copy 1", "layer 106 copy 2", and so on and so forth.
4) People who speak in authoritative tones but don't know what they're talking about. (this would actually include me, if it weren't for the fact that I try to end every statement by saying "but actually, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about so don't listen to a word I say". It absolves me from pretty much any kind of responsibility whatsoever)
5) Anyone who sucks on their fingers all day long and makes smacking sounds with their lips as they do it. Seriously, what the fuck? Do you dip your hands in honey every morning or something? I don't get it.
6) The one security dude in my building that doesn't recognize me as "the guy who looks like a messenger, but actually works here." Come on man! Your job ain't that hard! Everyone else remembers me. Dick.
7) Landlords who tell me that mice get in through the window.
8) Landlords who tell me that I'm not allowed to have visitors, ever.
9) Landlords who pound on my door before 6 in the morning when the apartment isn't burning down. What other reason could there be? Maybe he just needed to give me the receipt for June's rent. But he already DID give me a receipt. Turns out it was for 4F. I live in 3R. He wanted to make sure I got the right receipt, and that I put 4F's in their mailbox on my way out. Sure, fine, but why the fuck are you doing this at 6 in the fucking morning? Oh, well, I know that you go to work later. Yeah, I go to work later. At fucking 9! Furthermore, there are only 8 apartments in this building. Separated by floor, then Front and Rear. Who the fuck confuses 3R with 4F? My landlord is bat-shit insane. Honestly.

That's it. It might turn out that this list is only 4 people. But I'd like to see them all running in panic among the zombies & bullets. Especially the crazy elevator lady and my landlord. Crazy elevator lady would be all "oh my. oh my. I have tickets for the Pajama Game. Where's Broadway?" And my landlord would be yelling at the zombies, trying to scare them with a stick or something. It'd be hilarious.

Jesus Christ, it really is the day of the Devil!!!

In the shower this morning, as I'm sure you all noticed, one of my pubes was stuck to the tiles. Not uncommon. There are pubes stuck to the walls all over my apartment. But this one WAS IN THE SHAPE OF A SIX!!! SIX!!!! SIX!!!!! Only one six, of course, but I did a triple-take!!! I glanced at it three times!!! Then the water turned to blood and the ground turned to brimstone, so I got out of the shower with my hair still soapy and rinsed it out in the sink. Whew! Talk about a close call! Be careful out there today everybody.

Zombies are NOT PEOPLE, TOO!!!

Films like zombie-american are an OUTRAGE! Zombies are a threat, and need to be killed! Again! Like, for real this time!

Ideally, they need to be herded into forests and periodically baited in the direction of designated zombie killing farms, where tourists will pay top dollar to fire machine guns at the advancing zombie mass. It'll be like that video game, Total Carnage, except not a game show, and with zombies. But FILMS LIKE THIS need to be stopped! No one should be under the impression that zombies are "just like us". I, for one, don't eat fucking brains!!! Zombies? Zombies do. Superimportant calls for a boycott of Zombie-American starring Ed Helms from the Daily Show. It's a threat to our country's moral fiber.