Today's threats

According to a newly released and declassified National Intelligence Report, there's some kind of tourist threat that people are concerned about. And there's some kind of sovereign nation that our government took over and turned into a bong or something that apparently is only making this tourist threat greater, because we keep sparkin' & blazin' & listening to Kid Rock & watching football (american football) & eating potato chips instead of organizing some kind of effective government. Frankly, everyone is missing the greater picture. These are not the real threats facing America today.

Zombies. Zombies are the real threat. One of them, at least. No one seems to be taking zombies seriously, but if you take a moment to stop downloading porn at work and look around, you'll realize that zombies are everywhere. Like that guy over there behind the glass door with the grey face, drooling, shuffling papers around, lurching back and forth between "meetings" with other zombies, and having brains ordered by his assistant for lunch. Or that girl in the next cubicle, smashing her leprous head against the keyboard, occassionally sending you "copy" for the layout that she needs by the end of the day. These undead are a threat, and you aren't even aware of it.

Education is one step on the dangerous path of dealing with the zombie threat. Keeping informed and vigilant can save your life. Be sure to keep a wary eye on potential zombies, and always ALWAYS destroy the head without hesitation. Useful head-destroying tools are: shovels, baseball bats, large sticks, swords, shotguns, big rocks, cliffs, and falling objects. Shotguns are the preferred weapon to combat zombies, since they don't require you to actually get too close to the target, but you've got to have good aim. Falling objects are also cool, but you gotta plan that well - you have to have a pulley hanging out a window & hoist an anvil or piano up there, or you have to find that loose gargoyle and wait for the zombie to walk directly underneath it. It's a highly effective technique, but difficult to pull off.

It's important to know how to identify potential threats. Superimportant recommends staying away from children & their schools unless you're approaching with a highly armed & trained team of enthusiastic zombie killers. If you are approaching with a team, use shovels & bats, because man, that'd make great footage.

Also stay away from most livery cab drivers. It's clear that they are the undead. If you must confront the livery cab driver, superimportant recommends cliffs, again because that'd make some pretty cool footage.

Goddamn schoolkids fucking up my commute

Everything has changed. The sun's going down earlier, no one has summer friday's anymore, congress is back in session or something, and there are fucking children everywhere on my ride to work. Goddamn hooligans! Rugrats! I'm riding down Fulton this morning, and cars are careening off of eachother trying to avoid the little shits running after their kickballs from the playgrounds. What in God's name are the kids doing OUTSIDE of the schools anyway? Don't they teach them anything anymore? Important things, you know - like all the states' capitals and their major exports - like Flax. Flax is very, very important to North Dakota. North Dakota is the largest producer of flax with 865,000 acres planted in 2005, yielding 18.2 million bushels. You can make linseed oil from flax, which is important to superimportant because it's used in painting. Although superimportant primarily paints with acrylics, so that's kindof a moot point.

But honestly! Put the damn kids inside, and teach them something for Christ's sake! Don't let them wander around outside, walking across streets, harassing the local residents, smoking their marijuana cigarettes, lighting off fireworks, carjacking, and uploading photos to their myspace accounts from their cellphones while they dance to their disco music on the roofs of taxis. These children are a nuisance. They should be transported to school, and shuffled out of the back of the bus directly into their classrooms. The outside world doesn't need to be exposed to these ruffians and troublemakers.